With the return of expats from all over the world, and schools across the United Arab Emirates opening for full, in-person teaching, I couldn’t decide between my bright yellow or my bright orange hazmat suit for work.
Yip, it was officially Covid season as the perfect storm of the last of the volcanic summer heat, combined with the return of thousands of teachers and pupils, meaning that the big cun- sorry, I mean Covid – was making as terrifying a comeback as a one night stand that asks you out on a date…
And with Covid hitting the UAE headlines again, tensions were high.
Is that a cough I hear? Did they just eat a carolina reaper pepper without reacting? Is that fake eyes painted on their eyelids due to lethargy?! The Covid paranoia was definitely back and with it, so were the Covid police where everyone was a suspect.
Why the reason for such paranoia? Well, for one, especially if you lived in Abu Dhabi, a green pass on your Al Hosn app (Government ran) was a definite requirement if you hoped to enjoy any sort of social life in the capital. Was this the case in Dubai? Of course not. As the saying goes – come to Dubai Habibi! With monetary greed always being a priority over medical needs – not that I was complaining (yay for greed!).
However, the main problems with contracting Coronavirus in Dubai was the impact it could have on your October break travel plans – because like, staying in Dubai, would be like, just the worst thing imaginable like…Or infecting your close friends – who are usually your colleagues – and subsequently landing yourself in disciplinary action, yikes!
As teachers (generally) ended up hanging around with teachers, there suddenly became a massive issue with the close contact rule being able to take out more faculty members from work than Elon Musk was able to take out senior Twitter employees in the first day of his takeover…
Therefore, to be able to combat their sinful employees socialising ways, many schools made it policy that you could only hang out with a confirmed ‘buddy,’ meaning that if you caught Covid only one other staff member would have to isolate along with you.
To be fair, it did make sense. And, like the sensible, mature, responsible adults that we are, we of course did not absolutely fucking follow this rule. Not one fucking bit.
In the same way that, when in school, we scream at pupils for basically licking each other and having their masks over their eyes instead of their mouths whenever KHDA come in to inspect that we are abiding by Covid rules, teachers were pretty much as loose, if not looser, with their own strict adherence to the rules.
That was why, when I was invited to attend a joint birthday party with at least thirty of my colleagues on a boat where if my ass wasn’t in someone’s face then that meant someone’s ass would be in mine due to space, my obvious answer was yes. What could possibly go wrong? Cough, cough, cough…
You see, earlier in the week, I had started to feel under the weather. I was sneezing and when I coughed there was always mucus that was brought along with it. However, I didn’t believe it to be Covid. Mucus wasn’t a symptom of Covid? And sneezing, at this point, definitely wasn’t a symptom of Covid either. Therefore, being the medical professional that I am, I instantly diagnosed myself as Covid free but little did I know that I was in the grips of Covidenial.
Covidenial – a self-made term that I am trying to make a thing (I can already here Rachel McAdams from Mean Girls shouting at me) – is where an individual clearly has Covid but chooses to be in denial about it; hence Covidenial. I know, I am a genius, right? So, because I wanted to attend the boat, and I was meant to be flying home to Scotland the following week to be a bridesmaid for my friend’s wedding and I couldn’t even consider isolating at the moment with me and Mr. Buff still on rocky water, I convinced myself that I didn’t have it.
However, I am also an individual that would still attempt to go to work even if my skin had turned fully green and a limb was hanging off so it was no surprise really that I fell victim of Covidenial – is it a thing yet?
So, with a mouth full of mucus and a hand full of snot – hello sexy – I continued with my week as normal. I went to work. I went to netball. I went to the gym and, yes, I went on the boat.
The next day Instagram was flooded with pictures and images of all of us together having a good time on the boat. And the next day, Mr. Buff and I woke up beside each other, ordered breakfast, before Mr. Buff suddenly declared that he couldn’t taste anything…
And just like that, I was lifted from the haze of my Covidenial. We were infected. Rona had finally managed to get me. The only question left was, would it also get my job?