Change. It’s terrifying. The fear of the unknown and the consequences it could have on your future. The irreversible impact it could have on your life. What if I don’t like my new job? What if I don’t find someone else? What if I ruin takeaway night all because I ordered from China Hut instead of China Palace; life forever ruined by the bland taste of a below average soggy chip in curry sauce.
But, you know what I think is even scarier? No change. Which results in you continuing to lead a mediocre life in a mediocre job that makes you feel, well, mediocre! Or continuing to have average date nights and average sex just because you are scared of being alone. Continuing with the same groundhog week all because we love the hug that familiarity gives us. Yet, for so many of us this is what we do. Too scared by the negative possibilities of change, we continue on in our beige lives. Wearing a beige top, with beige jeans and even beige underwear until we end up in a (can you guess what word is coming next?) beige coffin!
But what if we changed this perception? And instead of wondering about the negative possibilities, we thought about the positives. About how much better we would look in a black crop top, with blue jeans and a red heel. About how much more excited we would be in a job that challenges us and pushes us to be our best selves. About how much more passionate we would be in a relationship that we were consumed with or – in the famous words of our hero Beyoncé – made us drunk in love with. Why can’t change bring all this and more; why does it have to be scary?
It was these exact thoughts that kept myself for several years in the constant pull and shove of the current of the familiar and the unfamiliar. Of the known and unknown. And while I was happy, I couldn’t help but wonder, could I be happier? (Yes, I do hate myself for using a Love Island quote but, if the shoe fits…).
Now, for starters, I loved my job. While my school would never be selected as an establishment of education for one of the royals – unless Prince George fancied learning about what gunge that paedo means (maybe actually appropriate given his Uncle?) – it was a community that looked out for one another. Where the staff genuinely cared about the pupils and the pupils genuinely appreciated the staff. And also, where the staff genuinely cared about each other. But, as an educator, I feel like it is important we continue to educate ourselves and while I loved my school, I had become content. And, as I read online somewhere, ‘if you’re content, then you’re saying you’re okay with being mediocre. You’re saying you’re okay to settle,’ and this was something that I was beginning to believe and become unhappy with.
Moving on now to the mains; my relationship. If I were to actually describe my relationship as a food dish it would probably be comparable to a vindaloo. Delicious and spicy to begin with, but eventually, one way or another, it is going to end in shit. A lot of shit. I had fallen victim, as so many do, to being in a relationship which, quite frankly, was toxic and dead. I knew it. My friends knew it. The postman that delivered our post every day, and only saw a glimpse of our lives through the letterbox, probably knew it too, it was that bloody obvious. The only person I genuinely believed that didn’t know it was him and my family. Yet, somehow, we had survived 7 years down the line. 7 years down the line of dealing with emotional as well as physical cheating. Of dealing with mental abuse. All because I was scared to be alone. All because I was scared of change. And as I sat there, one week before lockdown, questioning him over yet another incident of his infidelity in the flat we shared together, something snapped inside me. It started off small but, with the luxury of thinking time that lockdown granted everyone, it grew into something bigger and I realised: not only would I be better off by myself, I would be better off married to Hannibal Lecter than this piece of shit, as at least he would have a legitimate reason for munching on another girl. So, I ended it. Plus, wasn’t it an unwritten rule of Covid fate that you either got pregnant, fell in love or fell out of love during lockdown? I was only doing what fate commanded…
Now, for dessert. I had genuinely had enough of eating from China Hut. Their chips just were never the same since the daughter of the owner had taken over. It was really the last gust of wind that was needed to push me over the edge, to drop me from the cliff and force me to make the plunge. The plunge into the unknown. And while it was scary. In fact, while it was terrifying, it was less terrifying than continuing with the life of mediocrity I had become content with. Sometimes, change forces us to realise that staying put, that remaining in the same situation is actually worse than going into a situation where the outcome is an unknown.
From a young age, I had always dreamed of moving away. Of leaving the chewing gum ingrained streets of Glasgow and moving to sunnier horizons. Yet, as I made my way through life, I kept making excuses for reasons to put my dream on hold. I had a job. I had a relationship. I had a home. Things in life, that we tick off as being signs of success; of proving that we made it! But these things, I believe, are signs of success of an older generation. Of our parents’ generation where marriage and a mortgage were achieved by age 21. Very different from my achievements at age 21 of making university with one hours sleep and managing to stretch £10 over a week, a week which included two nights out may I add. However, for some reason unknown, we still feel the pressures of that former generation. We still measure our success with their rulers. So, as I sat at age 26 and analysed my life I realised, while in theory, I have everything I could possibly need, in reality I didn’t. Life is much more than a job, a relationship and property. Life now is about experiences, memories and…well…change.
Therefore, as I hurtled towards the water, I knew this was the right plunge to make. That this plunge would begin a ripple effect that would touch every aspect of my life, that would shake off the shackles of mediocrity and force them to the bottom of the sea bed. I had finally realised that it was time for me to stop making excuses, to stop putting my dreams on hold and that it was finally time for me to swim to sunnier horizons. And where better – or sunnier for that matter – for any teacher than Dubai?
Glad you enjoyed! 🙂
Never related more to something in my life 😂 love love love!
I’m really glad that you felt like you could relate to my post. And you are completely correct, for some…
Wow, I don’t know you but I felt that. Step sent my your blog and reading this brought a glimpse…
I’m glad you enjoyed 🥰
Such a fun read, can’t wait for the next entry
Amazing!!!
Glad you enjoyed 🙈
I want to hear more!!
The daughter of the chinese needs to do one.
Great first post 👏
Glad you enjoyed – I’m starting a campaign to get her out 😂 thanks for reading 😊
Love it! Proud of you. Can’t wait for the next one 😘
Something to read while on a beach topping up the tan 🤣🤣
Glad you enjoyed – some easy reading 😁😂
Okay this made me laugh. The vindaloo relationship is relatable.
Really looking forward to the next one! 👌🏼
Thought you would be able to relate – glad you enjoyed 🥰
Loved it!
Laughed the entire way through and wanted to keep reading more!
Thanks gal ❤️
Thanks for a great read about the lead up to your move. Lots of laughter to be had.
I’m glad you enjoyed 🥰
Wow, I don’t know you but I felt that. Step sent my your blog and reading this brought a glimpse of a place I was myself. A place and a relationship that I thought was it, maybe not as toxic but relatable. But it too was not worth putting in the effort I had been putting in. It goes both ways and cheating is not something anyone should have to put up with, what’s the point of being with someone then?
The mediocre life doesn’t do it anymore, I left my small town in the States because I didn’t want that. Most of my friends had kids while in college of soon after and stayed in the same town, doing the same things. Not that there is anything wrong with that but it wasn’t for me. I left and never looked back. Good on you to do the same, to leave a “shit” relationship and free yourself from that “cheating piece of shit”. Keep going, being happy, even if being along, is better than being treated like that.
I always say to myself, when it comes to relationships, your status should always be: committed to inner peace, growth, self-love, spiritual healing and happiness before anything else. Keep going, even if you are going through hell, keep going.
I’m really glad that you felt like you could relate to my post. And you are completely correct, for some people it is fine staying put but for many being stagnant leads to unhappiness and only change can resolve that. As for relationships, I truly understand now that the most important relationship is the one with yourself before anyone else – all about inner peace. Thanks for taking the time to read my post 😊