With my newly found friendships travelling full steam ahead, I felt it was now the appropriate time to introduce myself into the next aspect of the Dubai lifestyle for any single person: dating.
For many, dating is similar to eating a pic ‘n’ mix. It provides you with such a large selection of random sweet treats that you don’t even know where to begin! And, as you dip your hand into that big candy pot, the first few bites leave you wanting more, wanting to continue to satisfy those naughtier cravings. However, after a few more bites, you eventually find yourself chewing on something that is just far too difficult to swallow or far too sweet to keep down, making you feel sick or – in dating terms – get the ick. And, if you don’t know what the ick is then, unfortunately, you are the ick.
However, after having been in a relationship for seven years, I was excited to start my sugar rush journey, even if some of them would end up just being a moment on the lips and also a moment for the hips. But, with the social boom of dating apps exploding into life after I started my relationship with my ex, I was a bit like Ariel trying to learn how to stand on my own two feet in this new dating world. Should I sit on a rock naked at the beach to attract attention? Or would running a fork through my hair be more of the right approach to seducing potential suitors?
While Ariel’s sultry ways did manage to eventually land her a prince, I felt I needed to start with baby steps before I moved on to these elite level moves. Luckily for me, I had many dating veterans in my life that were more than happy to help a new recruit. From gaslighting, to ghosting, to situationships, to love bombing, I learned it all! But the majority of my training focused on the big three: Tinder, Hinge and Bumble. No longer did love stories start by catching each other’s eye across the bar or being awoken by music playing from a boom box outside of your window but by the decision to swipe left or right. Your fingers once again being given the power to delight or disappoint.
What differentiated these dating apps were their potential outcomes, starting with Tinder. Renowned for its one-night stand ability and casual expectations, this was the dating app for individuals that wanted only one outcome from their Tinder hookups: to remain single and continue with the chase. The perfect app for those with no real expectation of ending the experience with a meaningful relationship but rather an STI.
Next on the dating app carousel was Hinge. A step up from Tinder, this app is for individuals usually seeking a little bit more than another notch on their bedpost. While there is still the possibility of it ending in a one-night stand, there is also a bigger chance of potentially more and – most importantly – there are zero conversations starting with ‘Are you a work of art? As I would like to nail you against my wall.’ A serious conversation starter that my friend experienced several times on Tinder (yes, let us all do a universal eye roll for mankind).
And, finally, we have Bumble. An app that, like the insect its name is inspired by, you do not fuck around with. Clear dating parameters are established straight away with your bio informing potential dates of exactly what you are hoping to gain – making this a serious dating app for serious daters. No more unexpected fuck boys or surprise simps as their bios should make it very clear from the outset what the person you have chosen to match with is looking for. However, the other major difference with this app is that the power of matching lies solely with the woman – Queen Bees unite!
Equipped with all my new 21st century dating information, I saluted my dating veterans’ goodbye and put my fingers to work, with the first place they needed to go to obviously being…the app store! But which app to download? What was I seeking? Did I want something serious or something casual? Did I want to be a bee or a work of art?
Now, I know what you are thinking, why only limit yourself to one app when you’ve been held in captivity for seven years from the dating world? But, as someone that goes to a buffet and ends up seriously unwell due to gorging themselves in a way that even Bruce from Matilda would be sickened by, I felt the same danger could occur with multiple dating apps therefore, one was all I was permitting myself to.
It was definitely the smart decision as opposed to the alternative of developing diabetes from my over indulgent sugar rush of dating. Yet, it was also this lack of definitive decision making skills that made it clear which dating app to download: Hinge. I didn’t know what I wanted but with Hinge, I felt like it would allow me to keep the door open to a variety of possible dating outcomes – is that not why it’s called Hinge?
Anyway, with the app downloaded and profile made, I had officially made it known to the Dubai dating world that I was single and ready to mingle. But, did anyone want to mingle with me? Would anyone be willing to send me a like? Would I catch anyone’s eye?
And it was from these initial anxieties that I was also introduced to the issues with this new dating world. Appearance is everything. While we have always been visual creatures when it comes to selecting a partner, at least in a social setting your character or personality can shine through to elevate you from a solid 5/10 to a 7/10. As my good friend used to always say, funny gets the fanny, and it truly did work for him. I mean, look at the example of Lewis Capaldi, even if he wasn’t an internationally renowned singer, I truly believe he could bed a solid 10/10 just from his humour alone. However, sadly, the use of dating apps diminishes this elevation possibility. People remain 5/10s. Humour, charisma and intelligence are tossed aside for height weight and dress sense. And while these can be important factors, I wondered how many of these people were funny, caring, charming and smart yet they didn’t make the cut simply because they didn’t reach the 6ft height criteria.
Therefore, as I waited for the response to my Hinge profile, I wondered how many people had discarded me because of similar reasons – didn’t they know that I could eat a whole packet of crisps in less than ten seconds? Or that I could rub my belly and hop on one foot all at the same time? Now that’s talent that no fella should want to miss out on – and lucky for me, they didn’t! As suddenly my profile received a like and then another like. My dating life was officially in business baby but…who to choose?
Again, my indecisiveness thwarted me in my potential happiness. Did I want the fizzy cola bottle or the licorice snaps from the pic ‘n’ mix? A true Sophie’s choice…However, suddenly a jelly foam heart announced itself in the selection process and the decision could not have been clearer. It was, after all, part of the top tier of candy to be found in a pic n mix bag, reflective of the top tier dating suggestion offered by this treat – a visit to a dolphin show followed by drinks at Pier 7. I mean, how many people can say their first date was at a dolphin show? I certainly couldn’t think of many with some of my dating highlights in Scotland including getting drunk on a bench in the rain sodden park and a roast at Harvester…Us Scots sure know how to woo a lass. The dolphin date also had the possibility of getting both wet and drunk – what more could you ask for? And it’s a date that I am sure Ariel would approve of.
With the sweet treat selected and the date set, I felt excited by the potential of this new dating world and the possibilities that dating in Dubai could offer that no other city in the world could. I just hoped that my sweet tooth would last without there being too many cavities along the way…