The most important meal of the day – if you live in Dubai that is.
Coined by British author Guy Beringer in 1895, he described brunch as a ‘cheerful, social and inciting event.’ And while back in 1895, brunch was still just a simple light late morning meal – eaten instead of breakfast and lunch – over one hundred years on and Beringer’s description of this phenomenon is still as relevant then as it is now.
It is cheerful to, like Bruce from Matilda, see how much food you can cram into your stomach in a four-hour window without bursting out of your clothes (sadly, I have been a victim to such a disaster more times than I care to admit). It is social to compete against friends to see who can down their 12th triple vodka quickest without spewing it back up (classy, right?) and it is definitely inciting with regards to the forgotten conversations, arguments, phone calls and messages that are sent as a result of its devilish ways. As you can see, brunch may have evolved since Beringer’s time with regards to the product but the original wholesome ideals still remain.
While brunch wasn’t a staple part of the Scottish diet, if you really wanted to secure your place in the Dubai socialite calendar then no other meal mattered. You see, brunch wasn’t really ‘brunch’ out here. Heck, it wasn’t even reserved for between the hours of 1pm to 4pm. Nope, brunch was a concept. A concept that has resulted in one of the biggest expat drinking cultures in the world to flourish, right here, in Dubai. Anyone got a spare liver?
One of the things that made brunch so enticing was that it provided an affordable golden ticket for the roves of teachers, cabin crew and real estate agents who wanted to live the Dubai party lifestyle but could only do so on a middle class wage. And, like Wonka’s chocolate factory, this golden ticket provided teachers, like me, with access to a world of pure imagination. From confetti canons, to acrobats, to magicians, to a mass array of food and drink selection (which caused you to inflate more than Violet Beauregarde) brunch was the reasonably priced – depending on your brunch – Gatsby-esque party that had turned binge drinking into an elite sport, as timers announced how long was left and how many drinks were needed to be consumed to retrieve double – no – triple your money’s worth. Maybe that last part was just amongst the cheapo Scots…
So, after surviving my first full week of work – there were punch bags that looked in better shape than me – it was only natural that I grab my own golden ticket and jump on the boat to the Brunch Factory of Dubai: Barasti. Or, as some people fondly call it: Nasty Barasti – a name that I would come to understand a little bit better that evening and fully after a few more months.
Having never done a Dubai brunch before, I was completely in the dark about what to expect. What would I wear? What could I wear? How drunk would I get? How drunk could I get?
Like all newcomers in Dubai, especially if you are female, the worry about offending cultural customs was a very real concern at the forefront of my mind as I prepared for my night out. I mean, I didn’t want to end up in jail for flashing my knees. But, was the risk worth it when my knees were so damn sexy? It turned out, however, that my knees were the least of the city’s concerns. Sky scraper heels, skimpy tops, bum munching shorts and skin tight dresses were among some of the more regular sights in the Dubai fashion scene. And, as for drunk people? Well, let’s just say there are some sights that wouldn’t look amiss on the Magaluf strip.
You see, Dubai is a city that understands its cosmopolitan mix of people and while it is still important to be respectful, my previous concerns were beyond ridiculously unfounded. They were most likely a part of bad Chinese whispers, constructed by other cities jealous of the inclusive expat world that Dubai had successfully created. However, this was just as well, as being someone that, on occasion, acted now and dealt with the consequences later (sorry Mum!) I headed off to the brunch with Miss N and some other work friends dressed only in shorts and a crop top – clearly, I had decided looking cute was worth the price of jail.
With my outfit – or lack of outfit – decided, we arrived to the brunch ten minutes early. This way we ensured to be first out of the stalls when the Barasti callers pronounced the brunch officially started, with maximizing brunch time being an essential part of brunch etiquette. However, this was not the only essential part of brunch etiquette that I was introduced to that evening on the sandy beach front of Barasti.
Essential etiquette number two: always ask for a drink when you still have half, or even three quarters, of your drink left. This way, you ensure that by the time your glass is empty, hey, presto, another one is already good to go! Essential etiquette number three: line the stomach, and then line the stomach again, and then line the stomach again. Eating the food is essential to brunch survival, especially as most people become 60% vodka instead of water by the end of it. And, finally, essential etiquette number four: always order as many drinks as you can in the last half an hour of the brunch – and this isn’t just a cheapo Scots tactic. You work hard all week; you shouldn’t have to spend more than necessary. Why go back to paying per drink, when you can create your own mini bar of brunch drinks to enjoy long after the brunch is done? Me and my friends are geniuses, I know.
However, if it hasn’t become apparent yet, do expect to be more drunk than an Irish person on St. Paddy’s Day and, because of your level of intoxication, to be making as bad life choices as Amber Heard doing a shit on Johnny Depp’s bed.
While I (gladly) didn’t leave any faeces anywhere – or at least any that I know of – after a night of laughing, drinking, solidifying friendships and becoming so drunk that Ozzy Osbourne would have been more coherent than the droll coming out of my mouth, I can confidently say that my introduction to brunches was a success. I had made my mark, confirming myself as someone that can do brunch and survive, securing my invite to the next social brunch event – most likely next week.
However, as I rolled over on to my side and realised I wasn’t the only one in my bed, it became apparent that I had been done Nasty by Barasti. As Wonka does say though, a little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest of men…And if that nonsense came in the form of a good looking lad well, there are worse situations to be in.